Sweet rat is usually a third wheel. Being dragged behind while we transport #1 and #2 to their schools and activities. She tags along when they play with friends or go on outings. Afternoons are spent busily doing homework, making dinner, cleaning up - while #3 is .... well, neglected. Lest you judge me as a dead beat mother, I will mention that I do try to take time every day that is just for her. So you can imagine how exciting it was for #3 on Saturday to finally have something be about HER! She was suspicious at first. Thinking it was too good to be true - could we all really be singing to her? And would she really be allowed to touch those wrapped gifts? By the end of the day she had accepted the truth, we really were celebrating her! She smiled pure rapture as I brought her her lighted birthday cake.
#3 is a joy and a gem. She has a strong will yet gentle ways. She loves affection and is known to approach total strangers with hugs, whispers or hand holding.
Now lets talk about me. I have so much mother guilt with #3. For many reasons. One is that I don't miss her infanthood. When #1 was growing out of babyhood I felt intense nostalgia for the time that had passed. Yet with #3 I don't have those same feelings. This makes me worry that I'm not loving #3 equally. I already feel so guilty that I can't offer her the same attentions that #1 and #2 received. I'm happy that she has grown independent. I feel more bonded to her now that she can communicate and reciprocate love.
I recognize that mothers must love their children differently and that changed circumstances aren't necessarily bad. But that is too reasonable for my passionate subconscious. How do you deal with mother guilt?
10 comments:
My first was easily writing her name and other skills she should know before going to Kindergarten. Kate who is my third will get a crash coarse from her older sister before going to Kindergarten this fall. I'm good at delegating.
My nephew who is the first in his family is the same age as my youngest (2 1/2). Last Sunday he was reciting the Declaration of Independence and can spell tons of words. I said well Maggie (my youngest) can sing the Dora the Explorer song and go poo on the potty...so there. IT's all good. I definitely think independence is a great thing to learn early. No guilt here.
Don't worry. There are support groups for the third children. Caymbree could be president of it. I keep wondering if I was in a coma for part of her infancy. Don't remember much about it all all. Although with Caymbree's personality - I am quite certain she will get back at us soon. Very soon.
Oh well. I have other things to worry about. Can't add guilt to the list. I just giver her lots of unwanted hugs and kisses and hope that makes up for everything else. :)
Amen to the other comments:-) It is just a fact of life, #2, #3 and any after, get a different kind of attention. I am sure God prepared them; "Look #3, your mom is going to be already busy with #1, and #2, so just be pleasant for her cause she loves you A LOT and wished she could spend more time, but it's just not going to happen, so deal with it!" Okay maybe he wasn't as harsh as that, but you get the picture:-)
As far as enjoying her more when she is older....I absolutely have to say that with my children (really #2 through #4), I have definitely enjoyed them better once they started to communicate. Especially #4 "the screamer"!! You are doing an AWESOME job!!!
As a mother, I understand exactly how you feel.
But as an older sibling I have to tell you that I've been more than a little jealous of all the mom time my littlest sister has had. When I was away to college it seemed like every time I called they were off together getting manicures, shopping, having lunch dates, watching movies, etc.
She may be just along for the ride now, but think ahead to the time when #1 & #2 are off exploring the world and she will have the single claim to your attention. And I'm sure she wouldn't want to trade that for all the world!
Tricky question "How do we deal with mother guilt?"
There is no right answer. I think guilt is negative...it causes you to compare yourselves to other people, even to yourself. Life's about dealing with all the things we deal with, and doing the best we can. There really isn't place for guilt. People beat themselves up way too often...about everything. Find the positives in the situation. Think about how crazy things were with child #1. Don't you think child #3 is going to be a lot more flexible. I'm a #3 in my family and can attest to this. The oldest in my family can be high maintenance and less independent.
So in a lot of respects they naturally become independent and can also be mentally healthier.
I have to say that this was a great post to think about. I also appreciate all the comments and I admire all of you for (choosing to) living without the 'motherly' guilt.
I pray each day for the strength to NOT beat my self up for my failures, short comings, and that my kids will turn out SEMI-normal regardless of my mistakes! :)hehe... One thing I refuse to do is play the "super mom" game. We are all on the road to perfection and NONE of us has reached the end. Quit beating yourself up JL, you are a wonderful person/friend/mother/example/etc. and #3 will love her life and be a wonderful person too. I think the mental changes are normal. :)
Forget a college fund. I have started a therapy fund for each and every one of mine.
My 1st-All motherly instinct...out the window-serious!
2nd-Spent the first five days in the hospital without him, wished away his babyhood becuase his projectile vomit ruined every last peice of clean carpet, furniture or clothing that I had, then I went and got pregnant when he was only six months old.
3rd-Wait-if I think really hard, I might be able to remember his/her name...don't even ask me about her age.
Yikes! I hate how guilty I feel about the quality/quantity of time that #3 gets. Apparently all of us with at least three kids feel this way. I do have to say that I see some positives to being the third though as well. I think that #3 are much better adjusted to rolling with the punches because literally and figuratively they grew up doing it. They also realize that the earth doesn't revolve around them like #1 does and they are pretty chill generally because they are used to waiting for #1 & #2's activities. In the end, we probably should be worrying much more about the #1s running around out there. They got way too much attention and pressure and were guinea pigs for way too many parental psychology attempts. There--I gave you a different thing to feel guilty about.
Wow, I think Some Kind of Crazy is on to something. I agree, being the oldest of six, I got LOTS of attention (plenty that I DIDN'T want) but my two youngest sisters shopped a lot with my mom. And get this, they even went out to LUNCH in the middle of a SCHOOL day.
It all evens itself out in the end. I can guarantee that my two oldest girls will be jealous of what their youngest sister gets, and my youngest girl will be jealous that she's not quite as responsible as her two oldest sisters because her mom (I) didn't have the energy to FORCE her to do things.
#3 is probably just happy to be along for the ride and have so many people love her...and let her do what SHE wants to do! :) By the time she's older, you'll have done all your freaking out over your oldest two, and will be more relaxed with her.
I, personally, feel more angst over my guinea pig oldest daughter than I do about the younger set of kiddos.
don't sweat it, there is a season and a time for everything. #1's always get the nostalgia, they are the only #1's. I cringe literally at the thought of a baby in our home. Sam wants a baby to join our home so bad.
Just try not to wish the time away, which is something I am working on, because I have.
Post a Comment