Mike Tyson's Victim

I was making my family late to church and late = folding chairs in the back, which I hate. So I sent Spouse on ahead with the promise to follow quickly. When I arrived the meeting was well underway. I slid into our pew and sat down next to #2. He smothered me with kisses as if we've never been separated before. Then he excitedly began to fill me in on everything I'd missed.

"Mom! Look at that man! He has gold teeth. Gold teeth right here! (pointing to his front teeth). And, AND someone bit his ear off! Look!"

A little embarrassed by #2's very loud whispering voice, I did not follow his gaze, but instead gestured for him to hush. But he was insistent.

"Just turn around (trying to push my face around) and look. His ear is eaten! Someone bit his ear off. And he has gold teeth!"

Now I was a lot embarrassed. In my mind I could imagine the poor man, an investigator, sitting with the missionaries, feeling out of place with the gold grill in his mouth and mangled ear, which I assumed was from prison or street violence, here in our well-bred, homogeneous, East Valley ward. And my son, MY son yelling his differences to the entire congregation.

I quieted down #2 and whispered some things in his ear about the Lord loving everyone and wanting everyone to come to church and how pointing is impolite. In my heart I was praying that no one had heard #2's outburst.

The meeting ended and I had forgotten all about the man with gold teeth and bitten ear. A nice looking lady in her 60s leaned across the pew bench from behind us. We are still pretty new in our ward and I assumed she was going to introduce herself or welcome us into the ward.... or ask us not to sit in front of her anymore because my kids were too rowdy. But she didn't speak to me. She looked over at #2 with an understanding smile.

"Did you know that a long time ago they didn't have sunscreen? And when Brother .... was a little boy he used to play in the sun a lot and his little ears got really bad sunburns. So when he was older he got skin cancer and they had to take off part of his ear. I didn't bite his ear, but it looks just like someone did! So when your mommy tells you to put on sunscreen you should always listen."

During this little talk, I turned around to finally see the man with gold teeth and bitten ear, the man I had assumed was an out-of-place-looking investigator. It wasn't. Brother ... was a nice looking older gentlemen, wearing a blue sports coat and a few gold capped teeth near the front of his mouth.

Oh, Toto, we are definitely not on the West Side anymore.