Things have really progressed in the dental profession since I was growing up. I remember the appointments with my family dentist in his tiny basement office. He had one receptionist/dental assistant/hygienist who remembered everyone's names. My dentist would sit me down in one of his two patient chairs, exam my teeth, clean them and if needed fill a cavity (this only happened ONCE - yes, folks, your beloved poser here had one lone cavity in her long life before babies). He did all the work himself and in 45 minutes time I was back on the road to soccer practice.
A few weeks ago Spouse and I decided to stretch our ever tightening budget just a bit further and enroll in dental insurance. I found a "Phoenix Top Dentists" list and picked a name that sounded reliable. So today I dropped my kids off at a friends and went out for some good, clean dental fun.
When I walked in the door of "Harris Dental" I realized I was under-dressed. The chic-ness was intimidating to a girl who hasn't been to the dentist in 4 years. From the freshly botoxed receptionist to the expansive granite counter tops, I could tell this was an upscale office for the "upscale" patient. There were large black and white photographs of beautiful people with beautiful smiles on the walls of the waiting area. Later, during my tour of the office my lady (I have no idea what her position or function was) explained that the photos were all of Harris Dental patients and all of their smiles were created by Harris Dental. We walked down the "hall of credentials" which was full of fancily framed diplomas, certificates, awards and photographs with celebrities. Now I was certain, I was unworthy to be in the holy presence of the Harris Dental Dentists. I was wasting their time with my measly, mundane existence.
After the tour my first stop was for photographs and digital x-rays, so different from the old x-ray negatives that my family dentist would hold up to the ceiling light. My helper-lady was gentle and in no hurry. She kept talking to me and would say "Now I'm going to ....." It was very relaxing. I half expected her to say, "Now I'm going to apply the cucumber facial mud." During my tour I had noticed that all the women in the office were wearing identical outfits, black trousers and stretchy blue button front blouses. No scrubs for Harris Dental.
When it was time for my exam with the dentist, she seemed very excited for me. "Now I'm going to get Dr. Joe. Are you ready to meet Dr. Joe?" Sure, that's why I made this appointment. Why wouldn't I be ready to meet Dr. Joe? What appeared before my eyes was a handsomer, taller, 50 year old vision of Dustin Hoffman in "The Graduate." He held out and his hand and gently said, "JL, what a pretty smile you have. I'm so happy to meet you." Now I knew why she had asked me if I was ready to meet Dr. Joe. Apparently I wasn't ready to meet Dr. Joe because it took several minutes before I could think clearly enough to answer the polite questions he was asking in his soothing voice. He said, "Now I want to make sure that I meet every expectation that you have today. What do you want to get out of our time together?" Huh? I was so flustered, I wasn't sure what to say. "Um. I want you to clean my teeth and take care of the cavities."
Dr. Joe was at it too, "Now I'm going to lay your chair back." (Hand on shoulder) "Now I'm going to examine your neck and throat." (Hands massaging my neck, behind my ears, my jaws) I was frozen. I am not used to this kind of intimate contact with a handsome man that I've just met. "Now I'm going to bite your neck and suck your blood because I'm a vampire." Wake up, you're daydreaming. "Now I'm going to look into your mouth." All uncomfortable feelings of intimacy deflate; feelings of being a horse surface. This is much more comfortable.
After this strange encounter, he sits me up and invites me to talk to him about my dental health. Yes! This is what I came to hear! First, lots of compliments I didn't understand then came the smack down. Huge area of decay here, bubble in the filling trapping food here, eroded gums here. There is nothing like a heavenly smelling, handsome man talking about your gross teeth to make you feel like a pig. Just then, Dr. Brian passes by and my helper-lady whispers, "That was Dr. Brian! Would you like to meet Dr. Brian?" So Dr. Brian, equally handsome with equally perfect teeth, greets me in an equally gentle voice. All of this civility was unnerving!
This had been the strangest dentist appointment I had ever imagined. Why was everyone being so nice to me? Why was everyone so concerned that I understood everything? Was I really one of the special people who deserved to be a patient at Harris Dental? Did they feel sorry for me because I was obviously in way over my head in coolness?
I left Harris Dental without getting my teeth cleaned and without being any closer to having my cavities filled. Times have changed. You don't get your teeth cleaned or cavities filled that easily. You have to make a series of appointments to make that happen. My bill said that my insurance had just paid $288 for the surreal hour and a half I had just spent being massaged and coddled. Yes, times have changed my friends.
16 comments:
You're hilarious JL. I loved your way of telling your story. You poor thing though.
We have a great dentist if you're looking for a new one. He's NOT a student either. You wouldn't be coddled or massaged but they are very nice. His name is Dr Walker. If you want his info call me. Do you think you're ready to meet Dr Walker? Really, do you think you're ready? LOL!
You seriously crack me up!
I can't stop laughing. You need to publish that into a book. But as a frequent flyer to the dentist office (due to a whole mouthful of problems) I SO can relate to your experience. I am often referred to specialist after specialist and each and every time I feel the need to try to explain and justify the train wreck in my mouth.
(PS. Just wait until your cavity appointment when they start the appointment with "can I get you something to drink - (I always have to resist the urge to say, Ya a 42 oz Diet Coke with lime would be great) and then they hand you a list of movie options and headphones so you can loose yourself in "the Notebook" while someone drills in your mouth. Isn't modern tech. great!
I love the story. That is quite the dentist's office. Next time you'll have to wear your prom dress and corsage to attend the dental gala.
I am actually jealous. I wish I had gotten a massage at the appointment I had 2 months ago. Unfortunately I got the dental hygienist from hell. Until then, I'd never had an bad dental experience (one that caused so much pain) but this lady apparently wanted to really help me understand that I should floss better. After the lecture she gave me, instead of being nice and gentle (like I have had previously), she used that floss on my teeth like she was meaning to put scars on my gums. It was miserable! Needless to say, she was new (just barely graduated) so I'm sure she was still a little passionate about flossing, it being ingrained by all her teachers.
I have done better since I went, because I need it to not hurt as bad next time, and I just can't afford another cavity.
Scary isn't it. My sista in law went to a dentist like that in Provo and she said it was ultra creepy. They even had designer bibs with bling inspired clip chains. Where can I get one of those for Emmie, I wonder?
That is hilarious JL! You really can make even reading a story about a dentist visit very captivating! That is the WEIRDEST dental experience I have ever heard of. Really, who has time for all that??? You should ponder moving back to Logan where we really are quite far behind all that fancy-schmancy stuff and it wouldn't be that weird to still visit the dentist in his basement office!
WOW, I have NEVER experienced anything like that. Here I was thinking that the new age of technology was fabulously updated having gone from floride trays to a brushed on floride that you don't have to rinse. A neck massage from a handsome guy, I am in... (you could have had an hour done on your entire back, shoulders and neck for 1/3 the price)! :)
I'm glad you found me! You are hilarious. My hubby will get a kick out of this! Anyway, fun to see you at WC and I'm sorry there wasn't much time to chat ever! How are your little babes? I guess I will read a bit more to find out. It'll be fun to keep in touch now!
That's good stuff. I had a similar experience taking KC in to have his teeth cleaned for the first time last month at a dentist over here in East Valley. Times have changed for certain, as he laid on the surf board, which use to be known as the dentist chair and was wooed by the hot dental assistants and cool dentist then showered with toys and stickers at the end of the visit. - Cara
that sounds great, so it has been a while? I am obsessed about seeing the dentist every 6 months. but brian likes to put it off and he has to have a series of apt.
My last dentist was upscale but he wasn't attractive (too bad) they baked cookies and offered those fresh baked cookies to help with the bad dental smell, and they offered drinks and other amenities. now I am in a place more like a milking barn. not so great, but I still love having my teeth cleaned, I'm a freak.
I forgot to tell you that I tagged you. It's apart of the tag, I am supposed to tell you... :)
I just had that same experience last week. For me there was massaging of the gums and water features that made me need to pee. My fave though was when the dentist and "office coordinator" watched me watch a movie on the risk factors of taking out the wisdom teeth.
Creepy is the perfect word. Are we to low on the totem pole to even go to the dentist now
Creepy, but made for a GREAT story.
That is waaayyy too funny. Seriously.
Was it Harris Dental or "Ha-RASS" Dental? Either way I bet I'd be good to stay far far away. I like the way they made you feel nice and cozy before they started ripping on you-I mean your mouth. Can't wait for the next post about them drilling into those cavities...I'm sure they have some tricks up their sleeves for that procedure.
I don't know you but I linked over starting at my friend, Jenn's blog. I thought that this was so funny and odd. My husband is a dentist in Camp Verde and I guess we are behind the times because I don't think he was taught to be a little Stepford when he was in dental school. Good luck at your next appointment with the charming Doctors joe and brian!
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