Yesterday evening I watched #1 running during her soccer practice and thought to myself, "My goodness. She is beautiful." Her body is lengthening and her face is maturing, loosing the last of its baby-roundness. She was the picture of loveliness, happily darting around the field. Her legs used to toddle and trip but now are graceful, careful and nimble. She is strong. She is healthy. In that moment my heart swelled with love and pride.
"I hate my legs. They are so jiggly and big."
When #1 said this on our way home it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I had to mentally gasp for breath not knowing how to react to this disturbing declaration.
"What are you talking about?!? Your legs are beautiful. They are perfect!"
"They aren't skinny."
"Thank goodness they aren't skinny! You are healthy and your legs are healthy."
"Well, I hate them."
Seven. She is seven.
There was more discussion. I have no idea if I said the right things. But I am haunted.
Growing up with a sister so close to me in age (13 months) we were together a lot. We played on the same teams, played with the same friends. It was only natural that people characterized us. I remember us being introduced to adults and hearing comments about my sister including words like, tall, thin, beautiful. Some words I remember often used to describe me: healthy, friendly, outgoing. I'm sure my sister remembers things differently, but as a child I felt that since "thin and beautiful" were used to describe her it could only mean that I was not, "thin and beautiful."
One day I asked my parents if I was fat. I wanted them to say, no, you are skinny, but they said that I was "perfect" and "healthy." But in my mind they pretty much confirmed that I was fat.
So when I heard myself saying to #1 that her legs are "perfect" and "healthy" I wondered if in her mind I was pretty much confirming that her legs are fat. And I also finally understood my parents answer to me. They were trying to tell me that skinny is not the ideal and beauty comes in many forms.
Body issues!!! Ugh! Gag! Why can't we just get over them!
What am I going to do about #1? Need help. Need serious help here sistas.
Fortunately I don't have to worry about this with #2. His greatest goal in life is get big. A few nights ago after eating a particularly hearty dinner he growled, "That was good! Now I'm going to get FAT!!"
9 comments:
That's the hard thing about making any comparison. I'm sure that she is, in fact, "skinny", meaning not fat. Sorry you are dealing with that. Maybe you should delve into where she got the idea that she isn't skinny and find out if she would really like looking like anyone other than herself. You could point out, for instance, that some people with skinny legs have ugly faces, or that people with beautiful faces sometimes have ugly rear ends. It's late. That's all I've got. Looking forward to other comments.
When you come up with something, let me know, okay? I have two girls two years apart and ENTIRELY different body structure. One is like me, "healthy," "athletic"...you know, "perfect." (ha!) The other is STICK skinny, yet still shapely. Both of them are beautiful. My #1 did the same thing your #1 is doing at about the same age. We talked about eating healthy, and how if you don't eat healthy you can gain weight--like mom! Haha. No, seriously, we did talk about eating healthy, staying fit, and LOVING who we are. #1 may have an "athletic" build, but boy can she use it. She is FAST and soooo strong. #2 is a beanpole and falls on her face half of the time, but has muscles! And can stand on her head!
We are who we are, and what a blessing to be healthy and have legs that work instead of be confined to a wheelchair.
Who knows what to do. I'm 33 and still have those issues. I'm good with who I am but do they ever go away for a woman?
i am very interested in what others have to say about this, particularly those who've been there-done that.
(Just leaving this so I can get the emailed comments sent to me.)
It took me till I was in my teenage years to finally understand that my legs would NEVER look like my sister's who is naturally STICK THIN and has legs that are as big as my arms. I really thought one day if I worked out hard enough that eventually my legs would have over half the fat and muscle sucked right out and I would somehow get those legs. Seriously-I was 16 or 17. For me, I never understood that there are all different types of bodies and that it was like hair color or eye color. You can't really control what you are given and change it. So, maybe really understanding that would be a start.
If #1 had a problem with weight (which she clearly does not)you could draw upon being healthy and how that can help change certain things, but that's not the problem here. Who is she comparing herself to? Plus, Megapod is right, no one is perfect...that's a tough one to understand too though.
My #1 has noticed all SORTS of wonderful things about my body that she doesn't mind pointing out-as long as it's my body and not hers, I guess I should be grateful for all the ridicule/observations.
Oh wow. I am racking my brain for something profound to say. It makes me sick to my stomach knowing that with three girls of my own this will be just one of many horrific discussions I will be having with each one of them at some point about some part of their body.
I am constantly telling them that beauty has nothing to do with what's on the outside. I tell them about the many people I knew growing up who looked "beautiful" on the outside but had kind of "ugly" personalitites on the inside. At some point the "ugliness" starts to overpower them and people stop noticing their outside beauty.
When Hallee was little I was able to brainwash her a little. When we would ask her what being beautiful meant she would say "be kind and loving to everyone you meet". Too bad she is getting old enough to stat to question this.
I also use guilt. I talk about how Heavenly Father created each and every one of us and how sad he would be to hear us talk bad about ourselves. I use the example of an art project or something that they have worked so hard on. Then I ask how they would feel if they gave it to me and i started telling them everything I didn't like about the picture. They get the point.
Seriously. Maybe the bigger lesson here is for all of us adults who "harmlessly" make comments to young girls about tall and thin, and healthy and nice. I know there was a talk in one of the Conference Ensigns years ago that said something like, Kids hear more of what you DON'T say than what you do. (Case and point - because people called you nice and healthy rather than tall and skinny you assumed you were neither of the second). Crud. Try that with three girls and three VERY different personalities.
Ok. Pretty sure I didn't say anything useful here but I was in the mood to rant. Now I gotta go find a book or something that with some "real" answers.
BTW- Hallee is already getting teased about being short. Wish me luck with that one.
I think you got some good answers to your question. But your best anwers will come through inspiration which I know you will get when you plead for it. You are right though - she is perfect and healthy and beautiful and so were/are you. Never forget that. By the way, the picture of #2 eating after what you wrote about him really was funny.
Well, I wish that I could tell you what to say but I think that you handled it correctly. Despite how you felt growing up, you managed to avoid an eating disorder, so I like the words 'healthy, beautiful, and perfect'. It's so much healthier to have muscle and be fit than to be a stick with nothing but skin and bones.
I have to opposite problem... my son has low-muscle tone and a horrific diet. It sounds like it's my fault, I only wish that were entirely true. Because then it would be easy to correct. If you could get my stick-n-bone's skinny (true to the word) picky-eating boy to gain healthy muscle mass I would give you a million dollars.
Hmm. That is hard. No doubt this is going to be a struggle for our rising generation. My daughter has said things about her body that make me cringe and wonder where she could have thought that.
My young women have been telling me about a cute little 11 year-old girl who goes to their elem school who is now in a 2 month "camp" for anorexia. Tragic.
I can only hope to do my best and pray that when I fall short the difference will be made up by someone who loves her more than I can comprehend.
This is such a hard issue. I would guess 90% of women have body image issues...even the super skinny and gorgeous ones. There's no getting around it in this society. Most women think "if only I could be that size again" and yet when they were "that size" they were hoping to be smaller.
Solution. The biggest and most important thing to teach women is confidence in something other than their body... talents, school, anything that helps them realize that there is more to life than being "ridiculously good looking" (sorry, had to insert quote from Zoolander). It is so important that she likes who she is outside and in.
Too often we focus on the things we can't change, rather than the things we can. You can't change your body structure, but you can wear clothes that go better with it. I know I feel better when I get ready...when I wear make up...when I make myself pretty. Is that superficial? I don't think so. I think part of liking yourself is highlighting your strengths. It's looking in the mirror and saying "I like myself...because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!"
But I think the BIGGEST impression you can have on her is the way you talk about yourself. If you are comfortable with you, she will see your example. If you can show her that while you can gain weight (being pregnant..or not :) you can lose it... but the biggest thing is the way YOU act about it. If you dwell on your body...she will follow suit. But if you show her that it's not the most important thing to you...you've already taken the first step.
Good luck!
Post a Comment