Monday, February 22, 2010

When a peanut butter sandwich just won't do

Most days I have a peanut butter sandwich for lunch. That's because there usually aren't enough leftovers for both Spouse and I. I don't mind letting Spouse take the leftovers to work. When all your colleagues are going out to lunch, a ham sandwich and an apple just don't seem very appetizing. But a steaming plate of (insert some delicious homemade entree) will certainly take the edge off of not going out.

Last week was highly unusual. Because we had Spouse's parents here we ate out at least one meal each day. (Thank you In-Laws!). Paradise Bakery, Pei Wei, Claim Jumper, Kitchen at the Farm.... I was spoiled. And not just in a caloric sense. Now it is Monday and our house is quiet. It is raining outside and I can't seem to shake this craving for more rich, restaurant food.

A few moments ago I stood in front of the open pantry, head resting on the door in a depressive state as I scanned the shelves for something appetizing. I couldn't, just couldn't be satisfied with a peanut butter sandwich today! There was a silent debate in my brain, my id vs my ego, or was it my alter-ego versus my conscience?....something Freudian, I'm sure.... one side trying to convince me that nothing in our house was acceptable to my overindulged palette, (it really wouldn't be too bad to just get in the car and drive somewhere yummy) and the sensible side reminding me of our budget and questioning if I really need a calorie splurge today?

As you have deducted, I am still here at the house. Trying to fill the void that the measly peanut butter sandwich left in stomach by blogging about it.

What do you do when a peanut butter sandwich just won't do?

Thursday, February 11, 2010


Yesterday evening I watched #1 running during her soccer practice and thought to myself, "My goodness. She is beautiful." Her body is lengthening and her face is maturing, loosing the last of its baby-roundness. She was the picture of loveliness, happily darting around the field. Her legs used to toddle and trip but now are graceful, careful and nimble. She is strong. She is healthy. In that moment my heart swelled with love and pride.

"I hate my legs. They are so jiggly and big."

When #1 said this on our way home it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I had to mentally gasp for breath not knowing how to react to this disturbing declaration.

"What are you talking about?!? Your legs are beautiful. They are perfect!"

"They aren't skinny."

"Thank goodness they aren't skinny! You are healthy and your legs are healthy."

"Well, I hate them."

Seven. She is seven.

There was more discussion. I have no idea if I said the right things. But I am haunted.

Growing up with a sister so close to me in age (13 months) we were together a lot. We played on the same teams, played with the same friends. It was only natural that people characterized us. I remember us being introduced to adults and hearing comments about my sister including words like, tall, thin, beautiful. Some words I remember often used to describe me: healthy, friendly, outgoing. I'm sure my sister remembers things differently, but as a child I felt that since "thin and beautiful" were used to describe her it could only mean that I was not, "thin and beautiful."

One day I asked my parents if I was fat. I wanted them to say, no, you are skinny, but they said that I was "perfect" and "healthy." But in my mind they pretty much confirmed that I was fat.

So when I heard myself saying to #1 that her legs are "perfect" and "healthy" I wondered if in her mind I was pretty much confirming that her legs are fat. And I also finally understood my parents answer to me. They were trying to tell me that skinny is not the ideal and beauty comes in many forms.

Body issues!!! Ugh! Gag! Why can't we just get over them!

What am I going to do about #1? Need help. Need serious help here sistas.

Fortunately I don't have to worry about this with #2. His greatest goal in life is get big. A few nights ago after eating a particularly hearty dinner he growled, "That was good! Now I'm going to get FAT!!"

Saturday, February 6, 2010

This boy

turned five. FIVE!!

Five years ago he was 9lbs 12 ounces and 22 1/2 inches long. He was in fact so unexpectedly big he spent the first 20 hours of his life in only a diaper because the hospital was unequipped with clothing for a baby his size.

Today he is 53 pounds and 46 inches tall. Still very big. Big hearted. Large in happiness and laughter. Full of faith, brimming with an eagerness to do right.

He celebrated his birthday this week.

On Tuesday he shared chocolate cupcakes with his preschool class.

On Thursday he opened gifts and blew out the candles on his chocolate cake.

On Friday he celebrated some more with some fellow soldiers at his army birthday party. Which included: more chocolate cake,

an obstacle course,

shooting targets,

and opening gifts at base camp.

He says he is looking forward to:

loosing his teeth
getting big

I am looking forward to:

cherishing these precious days with my sweet, big boy.