Farewell to a bright soul

About two weeks before my grandmother passed away my family spent a few minutes alone with her in her hospital room.  Even though I knew her body was failing it didn't really sink in until I saw her in her bed, looking feeble and tired, that I would be saying Goodbye. My stomach clenched up and I felt a bit of panic, knowing how important the next 15 minutes would be. How do you say Goodbye? How can you communicate a lifetime of love and significance in a few words?

I wished I could give her comfort - she would be going somewhere new very soon, and having new experiences. Who wouldn't feel a little nervous? I wanted to summarize her influence in my life. Had I ever told her how important she was to me? I wanted her to comfort me, to share with me her warmth and humor and wisdom one more time. I wanted to soak in her voice, the way she said my name; her eyes, their particular brown hue; her hands, her crippled fingers; the feel of her always-smooth skin.

It wasn't enough time, but it was all I had.

She took a moment to hug and talk to each of my children, listening patiently as they went on and on.  Privately, I was hurrying them. They didn't know how precious each minute was. But I wanted them to remember this day and their feelings, so I didn't rush them.

Finally, Spouse took the children out of the room to give me some time alone.  I took her small hand and stroked her almost translusent skin.  These hands crocheted me a matching skirt and sweater set when I was eight.  She crocheted me many sweaters over the years. I remember one that I couldn't get over my head because the neck was too small!  Where are all those precious things now? Why didn't I keep even one? How did she make so many things with arthritis in her thumbs?

"I love you Grandma.  I'm going to miss you."

"I'm going to miss you too, Jen. But I'm going to be watching over you. That will be me over your shoulder telling you what to do."

"You are so special to me Grandma. You have made me happy in so many ways."

"You are special to me too, Jen. I love you."

I put my cheek next to hers and felt her familiar softness. I breathed in deeply, trying to inhale her scent, to keep it with me. I kissed her head and she kissed my cheek.

I looked at her for another moment. Her eyes were looking up at me.  They looked hopeful, peaceful. Ready.

Down the hallway there was a private place with chairs and a big window overlooking the Salt Lake Valley to the west.  I sat there processing, grieving.  Through my tears I watched a commuter train stop and people get on and off. In the distance the Oquirrh Mountains stood tall, creating shadows.  Green trees filled the valley. An airplane was climbing into the sky.

I thought of my grandmother, just down the hall, sharing this view with me and wondered how it might feel to say goodbye to this life, to this earthly home - this marvelous earth and sublime life experience.

Life is so good. It is hard and terrible. It is beautiful and heart-breaking. The earth is a wonder - pulsing with power and energy. The smallest particles are miraculous.

I hope to be like my grandmother. I hope to be able to say goodbye to earth with honor, having worked and struggled and sacrificed but having found joy. Joy in relationships, nature and God.  I hope to leave this earth a little brighter.

Here is Grandma last October, meeting Baby E

July, 2005 at her home in Germantown, Ohio. 

I love this picture because this is how I remember her most, laughing! October 2004, Ohio

This 2004 trip to Ohio is a special memory for me. I got Grandma all to myself!

More Utah fun: Lagoon!

After all of our years of spending summers in Utah, we had somehow neglected to introduce our children to Lagoon. This summer I wasn't pregnant and all of my older kids were tall enough to ride anything they wanted; it was time. 

I left Baby E in Logan with my sister and mom and took my niece and nephew with us to meet my other sister and her children at Lagoon! 

I hadn't been to Lagoon for 18 years and I remembered  it being hot and dirty. Kind of like an expensive carnival. I was happily surprised to find it clean, beautifully landscaped and lots of shade. There were a few of the old carnival style rides I remembered but most of the rides were newer and really nice. 

I discovered early on in our day that I've lost all my nerve. I'm basically a spectator now. So sad! I used to love exciting rides. Now I'm just a nauseated, nervous wreck. 

My kids were crazy with courage. There was almost nothing they weren't too scared to try. 

It was fun to share the experience with cousins. I loved watching them run off a ride together laughing and recounting their thrills, then plotting their next move. 

It was a day of memories. A happy, happy day. 

Summer Memories from Utah

Almost a week ago, on Friday, August 2nd I was driving my four children back to our desert home after a month in the mountains of Utah.   Admittedly, I was feeling down.  Yes, I was going to miss our families, the shady trees and blooming flowers, a break from the daily domestic grind but at that moment all I could think of was my dread of returning to the awful Phoenix HEAT!!  Ugh! 

Today, I'm putting off showering and the compulsory hair drying which I detest because it just makes me sweat and puts me a rotten mood, and I'm going to take a walk down our Utah memories lane.


Provo, Utah 4th of July Fireworks viewed from the lawn by the Harmon Building.

This area of lawn has been in our family for many 4th of July years.  I remember rolling down this hill when I was about Buster's age. 

#3 and Nana putting together some glow bracelets.

I'm catching up with my cool brother in law while holding sleeping Baby E. That poor girl had had such a rough day, not a minute of sleep until she finally zonked out in my arms around 10:00 pm. 

The first thing Buster wanted to do was show Papa the new moves he had just learned at wrestling camp.

#1 and Papa riding home, 4th of July style, in the back of the truck

Sandy, UT July 5th extended reunion with cousins from my Dad's family 

My extended family gets together every other year but I haven't ever been able to attend one of these reunions. It was so fun to see my cousins and their children!  The reunion was held at this wonderful park in my cousin's private neighborhood.  There was lots of good food, swimming and organized games.

Here's #1 completing the obstacle course competition.  It was hard! But she did awesome!

Spouse and Baby E waiting for dinner.

Buster waiting in line with some cousins to do his world famous, huge cannon-ball!

Buster and #2 digging into their pinata loot with some 2nd cousins.

 July 9-14 Logan, UT my family reunion

My siblings (minus 1 :( )  and our families gathered at my parents home for a week of togetherness.  There was lots of trampoline jumping, playing at the park, Aggie ice cream and 4 wheeler rides.  Each day we had one or two organized activities.  Some of these included a fun run, water games at the park, the 2nd annual family dance!, a service project at the pioneer cemetery.  We also spent a day at Spouse's family cabin riding four wheelers, roasting marshmallows and competing in a billiards tournament. We took a day to visit my grandmother in the hospital in Salt Lake City and then tour Temple Square.

#3 and cousin Joph-fes

One day I was looking all over for Buster, calling for him.  I finally found him tucked away in the library reading "Battles of Freedom." He was so engrossed, I didn't want to disturb him so I took this picture through the glass door. He loves military histories.

Family Fun Run! It was a mile for most of the kids or 2 miles for the older boys.  My nephew on the right of this picture was the first to come in.  He ran the two miles faster than anyone ran the one mile: 13 minutes.  And that is with a lot of hills!  I was impressed.

#1 and her cousin racing into the finish line!

Buster really wanted to beat Joph-fess!

Fresh donuts are the best reward after a grueling one-miler :)

#1 and her Papa

Nana, Spouse and Baby E, post race. I gave Spouse a free pass on the run since he helped me get the music, tables and water set up.

My nephew Zack on the 4 wheeler at the cabin in Logan Canyon

"This is hot, don't touch it!"

All these years coming to Utah, I've never taken my kids to Temple Square.  So glad to have remedied that.  But I think we need to come again next year and plan to spend a lot more time.

The Conference Center roof was really cool. But actually it was really hot up there. 

#3 and her cousins at the Children's exhibit in the Church History Museum.  That's another place I could have spent another hour.

 
 July 15-21 Bear Lake with Spouse's family

This is a week my children love and look forward to with great anticipation.  They love running free with their cousins.  Making little trips to the resort store for ice-cream, jaw breakers and candy. They love the beach and boating.  They love going to the Pickleville shows and go-karting.  They love making a Bear Lake t-shirt every year.

I told #1 I bet she could climb to the top of the "difficult" coconut tree in 15 seconds.  She did it in 16!

#1 and #3 will cousins out on the deck trying to pick up the weak wi-fi signal.

Early morning scooter ride

Digging ponds is hard work!

Baby E loved being on the beach and digging in the sand. She also loved to eat the sand. 

I remember #3 as a baby and pushing her in the baby swing of this very swing set.

Cute cousin Matthew helping Baby E take some steps

Utah photos and memories to be continued...

1st day of School, 2013 edition

My 5th grader is feeling confident and happy to be an upperclassman at her elementary school.  She is excited to learn to play the bass in the school orchestra and ready to take on the challenge of ALP math.  Baby E (#4) is going to miss her 2nd mama while she's at school all day. 

Buster, my 3rd grader, is looking forward to getting back to friends and fun things like PE and sports at recess.  Although a good student, he would much prefer to play all year and isn't exactly thrilled to be sitting in class all day again.   I have to admit, I'm not exactly thrilled to start the after-school homework routine either. 

My 1st grader is starting all-day school.  She's nervous about following the rules and not getting in trouble in her new class.  I hope she'll grow confident quickly and enjoy making new friends.  One thing she's really excited about: Specials! Music, art, PE and most of all, library!

Baby E's down for a nap and our house is quiet and empty. I'm missing my birdies and looking forward to 3:30 when my nest will be full again.  

 

Mom-high: Euphoric feeling resulting from intense pride and love for your child

When #1 received an invitation to participate in the National American Miss pageant I thought she'd laugh at the idea.  #1 is not a girly girl. She loves black and red, reading about dragons and studying birds.  She hates pink and looking too pretty. She's not a cheerleader or dancer and typically avoids the spotlight.

I was surprised when #1 told me she wanted to try out.  Believe me, I was more than skeptical.  I asked her to think and pray about it and we'd talk about it in a few days.

I spent some time researching National American Miss and pageants in general.  It seemed to be a legitimate group with tons of praise all over the internet from previous participants.  I tried to resist my instinctual repulsion of pageantry and look for facts in an objective way.

I concluded that if #1 wanted to be in a pageant, National American Miss was probably the least objectionable for these reasons: 1) #1 had been tagged because of her academics  2) No swimsuit competition, no talent competition, and no make up allowed for her age group 3) judging would be based upon presentation, poise and confidence, not beauty or fashion.

#1 sent in her application and was given a try-out date a few weeks later.  After her audition (which was 5 minute interview), she was told to expect either a letter of rejection or a phone call of acceptance within 10 days.  Until then I hadn't realized how much #1 really wanted to do this.  She anxiously went to the mail box and jumped whenever the phone rang.  Eight days went by and disappointment settled in.  It was day 10 when she received a phone call that made her very, very happy.

Before I could commit to helping her I needed #1 to understand my worries: that she view this competition as a learning experience and not as a measure of her value or worth.  We talked about the things she could learn like confidence, responsibility and a chance to be an example of her values.  She heartily agreed and promised to not pin her heart or her self esteem on winning.

So we started preparing.

She needed to raise A LOT of money.  #1 designed an advertisement and gathered orders for homemade cookies which she baked and packaged herself.  She made and distributed a flyer asking for soda cans for recycling.  Over the last four months she made regular trips on her bike collecting the cans, then consolidated them at home for weekly trips to the recycling center.

She also wrote letters to family members asking them to help sponsor her.  Any money she received from her report card or in Easter eggs or from the tooth fairy went into her pageant jar.

I was not looking forward to shopping for dresses.  She would need a dress for the formal wear competition and a dress for the interview and personal introduction competitions.  I already mentioned that #1 hates pink.  She also hates ruffles, sequins, flowers, sparkles... pretty much anything one would wear at a pageant.  Modesty was another factor that would temper our dress shopping.  And even though her Grandma had offered to pay for her dress, I was not excited to spend a lot of money on a one-time-wear dress.


I felt a little better after we attended a NAM workshop.  They encouraged the girls to look for age appropriate dresses that weren't over-the-top fancy.  Just nice dresses they could wear to church.

One trip to Macy's and we left with two modest, black and white, non-ruffly, non-sequiny, marked-down dresses.  #1 loved them and it couldn't have been easier.  What a relief!

Spouse escorting #1 in the formal wear modeling competition

We attended a training session where #1 was taught how to model her formal dress, how to sit prettily in her interview, how to hold a microphone and look judges in the eye.  It was essentially a two hour clinic in posture and poise.

I really appreciated this training.  Etiquette and polite posture isn't taught anywhere if it isn't taught by your mother.  Although contemporary culture doesn't support the idea, acting like a lady is still very important. Sitting up straight, crossing your ankles and looking someone in the eye shows self respect and asks for it from others.  I was happy that #1 was able to have these values reinforced.

This past month #1 wrote, re-wrote and memorized her personal introduction. We practiced hundred of interview questions.  She wrote, edited and polished her resume.  I watched hair tutorials on YouTube.

Finally, pageant weekend arrived.

It was a hectic two days for me.  I juggled babysitters for kids at home, rehearsal and competition schedules with clothing changes and hair touch ups, drives to and from the hotel with traffic, all while trying to keep my nervous girl upbeat and relaxed.  I'm not ashamed to admit it: I'm so happy it's over!

Friday #1 rehearsed for and competed in the formal wear competition. Spouse donned his suit and walked her into the spotlight as her escort.  She walked slowly and kept her eyes on the judges and turned her head just right.  I knew she was nervous by the way she was smiling and from her tight shoulders.  But she was beautiful and perfect.  Mom-high.

Saturday morning before the personal introduction and interview competitions #1 was nervous.  She was stressed and snapped at me a few times.  On stage she spoke in her super high, super nervous voice and mixed up some of her lines.  Instead of getting flustered or running off the stage in tears, as some of the other contestants did, she gracefully ended her introduction and exited the stage.  I told her afterwards that she and I were the only ones who knew it hadn't gone as planned.

#1, from Gilbert, AZ giving her 30 second personal introduction

#1 loved the interview portion.  She burst out of the room beaming a big, relaxed smile.  I knew she would do well interviewing.  She is mature, articulate and probably has a broader vocabulary than the judges.  She was relieved because the judging components were over.

Waiting for rehearsal, making friends

The rest of the day was spent rehearsing for the production number (ie: group dance) and staging for the final pageant.  In the breaks we grabbed some lunch and #1 decompressed playing on her iPhone.

 

Goofing off in between rehearsals

my attempt at the waterfall braid

I was anxious to see how #1 would handle the production number.  She does not love dancing and she struggles to feel rhythm. I'm looking for a kind way to say, she cannot dance. 

She did great.  Really.  For a girl who can't keep a beat, she held her own.  She kept looking at me and smiling like, "what the heck am I doing up here?" I loved it!

#1 getting her groove on

She changed into her formal dress and was presented on stage again with her state finalist trophy.  All the girls stayed on stage while the semi-finalists and winners were announced.

#'1's age group was tricky.  It was called pre-teen for girls from 10-12.  However, many of the girls had turned 13 after the January 1st deadline had passed.  So #1 was one of the youngest, if not the youngest, in her division.  Her age group would have been more appropriately divided by "developed" and "undeveloped." She was on stage with some very womanly looking 13 year olds!

Accepting her trophy and taking her place with the group

At the conclusion I went backstage to find #1 and found a I'd stepped into a weeping zone.  Poor, broken-hearted. "pre-teens" everywhere!  I worried maybe #1 was one of the criers, waiting for my comfort.  Just then I felt a tug on my arm and turned to see the happiest, most fulfilled face of my sweet #1.  She was beaming! We hugged and I told her how proud and happy I was for her.

Mom-high.

Spouse took us to the Sugar Bowl (#1's choice) for dinner and ice cream. We talked about our observations and #1 told us things she felt she'd learn.  There was a pause in the conversation then #1 asked why so many girls were crying.  Although she has a big heart, #1 is more of a stoic.  She doesn't often display extreme emotions, so I wasn't surprised she didn't understand the crying.  I explained that the girls were disappointed, that they had hoped they would win.  She replied, "Well, I wanted to win too, but there were 130 girls.  Didn't they know the likelihood of winning was 130 to 1?"

Ha! That's my girl with her head on her shoulders!